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Back On The Today Show: He’s Just Not Ready For A Relationship?

I’ve just been back on The Today Show for another instalment of ‘The Other View’. Here’s the video. Enjoy!


(Having trouble viewing this? Try this link.)

From the video…

–Why does a guy tell a girl she’s really great, but that he’s just not ready for a relationship?

The first (and not so nice) reason is that he doesn’t really think she’s that great. The second is that he’s not at the right stage of his ‘blueprint’.

The clever thing guys can get you to think is that they ‘just haven’t thought about any of this’. The truth is that he’s thought TOO MUCH about it. He’s thought about his future and where he wants to be in certain areas, whether now is the right time for commitment, or whether he should be focusing on his career instead.

If the right woman comes along at the wrong stage of his blueprint, he’s likely to end up saying, ‘not right now’ – unless she knows how to change his blueprint.

We call this the ‘rare gemstone effect’. 

Don’t assume a guy can’t change his blueprint. But certain things have to happen for a guy to do so.

When a guy likes a woman whom he thinks is rare, he can suddenly start to question his blueprint.

What you need to learn is how to create the ‘rare gemstone effect’, show a guy you’re someone he’s discovered, and that he won’t find someone like you again.

–When a guy says he’s ‘not much of a texter’, does that really mean he doesn’t text much? Or that he just doesn’t want to talk? Should this be a red flag?

A guy can say this in an attempt to lower your expectations initially.

In relationships we have rules and we have standards.

I go into this in depth in my most recent video. A standard is a certain level of love that someone needs to show you.

If you can focus on the standard and not the rule, you’re going to be a lot happier. 

People have to decide what’s important to them and what’s not. If he can show you he cares, that he’s thinking about you, and that he loves you in other ways, this shouldn’t matter.

If it’s a symptom of him not meeting your standards, then it’s something that you definitely need to call into question.

The Man Myth

58 Responses to Back On The Today Show: He’s Just Not Ready For A Relationship?

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  1. Paul says:

    I disagree with the “nice” guy motiv that was displayed on the Kathty Lee and Hoda segment. We many “nice” guys would love to be a little harsher in terms of talking to girls about dating or how to move forward, but most of us, that had any reasonably good upbringing, would be ready and willing to take on the raising a child!! There’s no passing children on, but it seems like sooo many people are superficial in this world that many things about time has changed!!

  2. vjks says:

    If a guy is interested how often does he communicate?

  3. Jessie says:

    Hi Matt,
    I’m not sure If I’m allowed to send you an email… but hey I kinda feel like I know you lol, one sided yes I know!
    Firstly I want to say congrats to you, you have just got better and better over the years, full of really true honest knowledge, that your willing to share!
    I really love the way your videos are always relevant over the past few years.
    I am in a dilemma of wondering why he doesn’t want anything more?
    I just watched your video on he doesn’t want a relationship… bingo that’s my problem
    History: Lets call him “Spunk” which yes he is… Spunky (38) moved in with me as a flatmate and we had major chemistry… think both of us realised this straight away. ( in the first 30 secs.)
    Spunk has come from a failed marriage of 14 years and one child together( he actually married this woman twice) and he also had a previous partner who he has two children too (grown up now)
    Both these relationships were hard I imagine, one cheating on him with his best friend, and the other one was an awfully overpowering demanding relationship. But he doesn’t seem bitter about it and talks in a very positive way about them.
    I (31) too have have come from a failed marriage of 13 years, it was an unhealthly marriage pretty much the whole time, with him cheating on me throughout the whole marriage.
    Spunk and I got on really well, and we started to sleep together within a couple of weeks of living together ( I had only ever slept with my husband before this) He was fitting in with my two children, my life, and everyone in my life. He also included me into his life, meet all his family etc…. but no one knows we were anything more than flatmates, he didn’t want anyone to know. But we have that type of amazing chemistry, that others did pick up on.
    Spunk showed no public signs of affection, but while it was just us, he would love to cuddle and kiss etc, even though essentially I was the one to initiate most of the time.
    So he has been completely open to me about not wanting a relationship, saying he wasn’t ready, he would remind me usually after sex, that we shouldn’t really be doing this as it would only make us bond more and emotions will get involved, the first time I was like the girl you shared about in your book, when you told her you weren’t looking for a relationship, I played it cool… and we would back off from each other physically for a couple of days, but then it would happen all over again.
    Spunk decided we couldn’t keep our hands off each other, so was best to move out, he explained that he was starting to really look forward to seeing me after work, and wanted to kiss and greet me like I was his wife which scared him, and that we had just fallen straight into being husband and wife roles.. which is true.
    He said before moving out he wanted to stay in touch, and we will make sure we do something every week together, (we both live really busy lives) He didn’t know where we would go in our “relationship” but that he really liked me and I was exactly what he would look for in a partner, but he wasn’t ready now, as he needs to work on himself.
    I do believe him that he wants to work on himself, as he thinks he needs to work on all the baggage from his previous relationships before dragging them into a new one.
    So since leaving,(3weeks) he doesn’t text or call, I have seen him a couple of times, but more just running into each other apart from me dropping off mail to him, he’s, always polite and friendly but nothing more. So I have been trying to keep it casual and not text him and not be needy… but I miss him like crazy. I have thought about meeting up with other guys, in the hope it might get reaction, or to prove that I’m not needy and I can carry on without him…. But just can’t and I feel like it’s not nice to use other guys and not honest to myself either.
    So my question is…. Do I wait for him to work on himself? He is a real decent guy, one of the good guys, you rarely meet and everyone who knows him would agree with me, he’s gold or in your terms a rare gemstone and yes he has effect on me, he has something I feel I won’t find anywhere else.
    Yes we have amazing chemistry, but it goes beyond that we are on the same page about life, about family, our beliefs and our goals, and there’s something exciting about what we could achieve together

    Congrats if you actually read all this!!
    xx
    p.s your looking great, and you’re getting really buff, good for you!!

  4. muhammad says:

    Certainly with your believed.Thank you for your current sharing.

  5. Hajer Kamil says:

    that blonde host is just very annoying uuuh she cant let the guests tell their answers about questions she just wants to laugh and joke around ! well go and do that with your friends not here… i would looove to kill her can i have that owner please ? she needs to stop telling her openions alot like if she was the guest .. other than that why do they put two hosts who have different openions in same time ? anyway thanks Mathew for all the good info … keep it up

  6. Nadia Hoque says:

    Hi i’d like to unsubscribe from this site please

    Thanks

    Nadia

    • anna says:

      hi Naida,

      In your inbox at the lower part u can see and read
      If you no longer wish to receive our emails, click the link below:
      (unsubscribed:) just click :) bye

  7. Marian says:

    I feel so sorry for Matthew because Eva Longoria is with Ernesto now. I think it was really painfull for him when they asked about it. I wonder if Matthew and Eva are still friends and if yes, how he will deal with this situation.
    Although I know Matthew won’t admit that the relationship of Eva and Ernesto makes him feel rejected, I still hope he will make a video about this topic in general one day because I am in the same situation.

    Love and kisses from the Netherlands!

    • Rivka says:

      I did notice his face was quite interesting. Not upset, it was more sort of that his face had that glow somebody’s face get when they hear you talk about that somebody special in a dating context.

  8. CMC says:

    First of all, I have to tell you how much I love your book, reading your blog, and seeing you on the today show. Your tips and insights have helped me tremendously.

    I have a slight dilemma that I’m hoping you can help me with. A few months ago I started dating a guy from Wales who happens to be 50, never married and never had kids. I don’t think he has ever had a really serious relationship with anyone. During our second or third date we had a discussion about the American tradition of the man always paying for the bill when he takes a woman out. He said in England it is normally split between the two. I agreed that I didn’t think the woman should always assume that the man should pick up the tab. We took a trip to Orlando together and we did split everything there – we each paid for our own Disney tickets and meals. Now, whenever we go out he assumes we will split the tab. I am not comfortable with this, I would prefer to take turns paying than to split the bill. We get along very well so I don’t want this to be a huge issue but I would like to get your input on this as a relationship coach and a man.

    Thanks for giving us women someone to reach out to for advice!

  9. nabila says:

    hey matt,
    i do exactely that blueprint thing to guys and for the same reason you said. thanks for the video :)

  10. Lisa says:

    Why cant I view this video on my galaxy 2? It isn’t a tap video like the rest. Do I need adobe flash for thid one? There is just a blue circle.

  11. Kirsten says:

    Matthew.

    Your posts always make my day. I stumbled across your website, gosh I don’t know–a long time ago, and you have really helped me to start thinking of myself as a high-value woman. Your book was phenomenal (I bought it for all my friends) and I think the world is lucky to have someone like you. Your insights, positivity, and brilliant advice not only on love but on how to live a happy and fulfilling life are truly priceless. Thank you <3

    Sincerely,
    Kirsten

  12. Keira says:

    I really want to watch this! Why isn’t the video coming up???

    I posted a tweet about it but it doesn’t come up?

  13. Catherine says:

    Hello Matt,
    Wow, those girls are vicious! I thought the comment made about your wisdom even though you are young and “inexperienced” was kind of hilarious considering that inexperienced is probably the last thing you are, otherwise you would not be doing this!

  14. E says:

    Thanks Matt for your great advice, but how on earth do you deal with those over-the-top annoying women who interrupt you all the time!! They drove me crazy, trying to listen to you! (and that is from a girl writing) :)x

  15. Cheska says:

    Hey Matt, as ever wise words (you really are the best!) and great advice, especially enjoyed the bit about rules and standards. Flirting aside (she’s always touching you!), not sure how you put up with Kathie! Perhaps her calling you inexperienced is an example of breaking rapport??! All in the name of fun I understand but wow, the US do treat their guests differently to what we’re used to in the UK! Starting to think all US presenters need a taste of the Russell Brand medicine :)

  16. Lost in the South says:

    Hi Matthew! Thank you for all you share with us. I think you are the ONLY true, honest “Matchmaker” online!
    You are so genuine. You were the only good reason to watch the TV show!
    I have bought your book and read all your posts but I am still having trouble.
    I moved to a VERY SMALL town a few years ago and cannot get a date. I am attractive, I am fun, I flirt and get flirted with lots but the only men that ask me out are married or 25+ my senior. I am in my late 40′s but people think am early to mid forties. Oh in this VERY small town is to meet men as clients at the business I work at. I work in a business that many men come to(construction).
    There have been a few men that have flirted LOTS and there is mutual attraction. They tell me about their accomplishments which is great and I commend them on their hard work and let them know how many people told me how great they do at their job. They comment to me how I am the hardest working person at this company. I tell them, Thank you.. I give everything my all. I greet them every time with a smile and often have a flirty banter with them. I feel the tension we have and am I interested but that’s it……Nothing…The interest is there but nothing happens. I may be a idiot but I think the attraction is mutual. OR am I just so out of it after being out of dating scene for so long. Please Matthew Please, please help me out here. 1 of the guys that flirts lots is about 10yrs my jr. He told a friend of mind age is just a number which I totally agree. He looks 5-8 years older then his true age. Ok I have to admit I do still blush when we tease each other. Ok what can I do to move forward. Thanks so much!

  17. Nicole says:

    Matthew,

    I wasn’t sure where the best place to ask this was but I do have a question. Although before I ask, I just want to let you know that your videos and e-mailed blogs keep coming at the ideal time. I have met someone and it is new and I have even used several of the techniques you have talked about and they do seem so far to work however, here is my question. How does a girl tell a guy what her standards are without coming off pushy or needy? In other words, you make some great points about not being with a guy just because he likes you but invest in one that invests in you etc. this new guy I have met, I am okay with not having a “commitment” talk because we have only hung out twice but even though we have made plans to go to California for a quick trip ( plans made by me ) he hasn’t really attempted to see me before then and aside from one small incident, I haven’t seen him in 2 weeks by the time we go. I know he’s not much of a texter and I can accept that but I am sure you have heard this before from women…BUT I do have a standard that I WANT and NEED to be WANTED. I need to know a guy is interested and is willing to make a move or at least let me know he is thinking of me even if we can’t see each other all the time. we both have crazy schedules. I just want the effort to be made SO taking your advice, I don’t want to settle or accept that I haven’t gotten it. No excuses he does seem like he is shy or can be and isn’t a typical guy when it comes to taking control BUT I still don’t see any reason why if a guy that says he does like me, doesn’t make the effort to let me know he wants to see me. I don’t want to always be the one to do it. I don’t want to be the one coming off needy. I want to be chased too. Like I said I am sure this is not anything new to your ears but now I just want to know before I drop out of this completely because I tend to shut down when I feel like someone doesn’t like me back,(I don’t want to be that girl btw – yes I have seen all of your videos) but how do I let him know just in case he is just shy what my standards are so that he will know I am High Value and have my standards but I don’t want to make him feel pressure and in the end I can at least get the answers I need whether I like what I receive back or not? I hope I am making sense. I have recognized that my confidence is lacking a little because otherwise it probably wouldn’t bother me BUT I do know what I deserve. I am just not entirely convinced he’s not worthy yet, maybe it’s just new and I’m even assuming the worst too soon. I haven’t seen anywhere where you answer this so I wanted to ask for your advice on this if possible? Of course I like him but I don’t want to feel down just because I assume or over analyze too much.

    Thank you! Your videos and words in general have really changed my outlook on many things! I’m diving in head first but it’s scary too.

    • Nicole says:

      P.S. I did forget to add he DOES send me a message everyday though at least to ask me how my day was or to let me know what is up to etc…or if he couldn’t respond he will tell me why…and apologize…there are other countless things he has done that makes me see he is interested but then no plans have been made by him…

  18. Mary says:

    Matthew-

    At what point in a relationship is it appropriate for a woman to tell a man she’s waiting til marriage? It’s always been an insecurity since it seems like most men don’t appreciate that quality or find it to be a “deal breaker”.

    Things are going great with a guy but I’m worried that it will end once I tell him. Yes, I know that if it does then he’s not the right one for me. Could this be my “real gem” quality?

  19. Diana Ptolemy says:

    Wondering if I could be the rare gemstone his life and wanting to know more Matt. Social barrier of age isn’t helping, I am 20 years older than him and I think this is an obstacle for him. How do you feel about the older woman / younger man concept?

  20. Faith Mosio says:

    Hi Matt,

    Thanks for this post. I think I am at the point where I want to make sure I’m not scaring my guy into clinging to his blueprint. I just met a guy and all the green lights went on, for me, after so long in not meeting a guy who was of high value. I attended your seminar in Chicago and I am a woman who naturally has a couple of unique pairings at my disposal, and like that Jenna situation, I think I give off a sexy innocent/vulnerable vibe yet smart and playful at the same time. He described me to a room full of people as “classy” and “cool”. He is in a position to “teach me” professionally–and I am self depreciating without being “Hailey self depreciating” as is he. (BTW I loved Hailey on the show–I thought she was the perfect middle ground for Tim between Sarah and Jenna. However Hailey had trouble owning her femininity–I think I am Hailey–but working on that!) I called him on being confident enough to break rapport in a group setting and he challenged me to flirt with him—I immediately thought of your advice. Just to mess me up he turned into me (yes he reads body language) and I laughed and said something goofy. He said you’re horrible at it and I agreed, but I said “maybe you could teach me?” Matt I am high value and my eyes are open. I feel a real pull to this man. I know to remember to be easy at first and then keep my standards. He tells me he never flirts with people he likes. I ask him why you’re supercalifragilistic (compliment yet playful). He says he wants people to be comfortable and not uneasy. He said he took it up a notch with someone too soon. I said well–I was attracted to you the first time I saw you. When I left I remembered to turn and smile to gauge reaction (my hair is too short to flip). How am I doing Matt? I want to only give what I get back. I sent him a funny motivational video yesterday–you should view it as well. Its here:(http://youtu.be/qR3rK0kZFkg) and he gushed about my choice and about me not needing “lessons” afterwards as my presence was enough in any room and that he missed my “positive vibe infusion”. He asked for a hug on Friday the 5th which was the last day of class for me (its a resume/communication class), and I gave him one along with a kiss to the neck. When I saw him about 2 hours later randomly, he introduced me to his friend. Clearly just to show me off. No one said anything–I felt like twirling around (I should have!) Matt–put down the dog and let me know what to do! What chapter in Get the Guy. What video segment in Man Myth. I’m even reading Tracy McMilan (whose dead funny!) He’s kind of famous–he’s a life strategist as well. —-Sidebar…why is Kathy Lee breaking rapport with you over your age?! Tsk Tsk. A good man is a good man. Peace out brother! Hit me up!

  21. Alicia Sky says:

    I couldn’t see the video but I always read your blogs and you’re so insightful. I’m going through a rough spot in my dating life. Just ended a relationship today that was so perfect which makes it even more heartbreaking.
    How long does it take to know if you love or are In Love with someone? Is 2 months too short to tell?

    Best wishes,
    Alicia

  22. Joanna says:

    Hi Matt,

    Great video! I was wondering about the “rare gemstone effect”. You didn’t really go into much detail about it; as in, how does a woman create that effect for that man in order for him to change his blueprint? Do you go into detail about it in the Man Myth program?

  23. Patricia says:

    Couldn’t watch the video… It only showed a blank :(

  24. Gabrielle Carolina says:

    So do we even want guys who are unwilling to change their blueprints in life? A lifelong mate isn’t exactly the only curveball life is going to throw at us, and hardly the worst! : P

    I guess this concept really makes me wrinkle my nose because I’m very invested in furthering my education and professional fields right now (going for my Doctorate) but I also know that if THE man came along I would be willing to take another look at the “blue print” and overlap in order to move forward together.

    I suppose someone willing to overlap their blueprint with mine is a standard I have. Huh, interesting.

    Grand, as ever. ; )

  25. Kristen says:

    Matthew, first let me say thank you for everything you do. My day is made when I see an email that you have posted something new. You truly have words of wisdom that remind me to embrace the woman I am and to be an even better me. Please don’t stop doing what you do because I know so many women rely on you.You are such a blessing to us all. Thank you matt:)

  26. Amy says:

    I love your advice and I was really looking forward to this because I need it! This guy I’m with won’t commit! He says “you know we’ll end up together one day isn’t that enough for now?” But I couldn’t see the video! It just showed up as a blank on my computer. So what’s the secret!? How do I change his blueprint?

  27. Jules Wallis says:

    Love what Cookie said. Have read your book Maghew and
    It’s great. You are an inspiration. Fellow Brit too!!
    But I agree to add more advice for guys. They don’t
    Seem to have the help out there.
    I just lost contact with a great guy. He had alot of emotional
    Things going on in his life. He is a very successful and wonderful
    Man but something just stopped him from continuing our
    Dating!!! I was so disappointed, hurt a little and am
    Getting on with my life. I sometes just don’t get it.
    Why a guy can tell you he misses you, that you are his dream girl,
    His soulmate, wants to build a dream house with, and start
    A wonderful life with. I never asked for anything, then all of a sudden
    It went cool so I just asked why the lack of romance!!
    He said he was in a funk, going through a tough time
    Emotionally, he was sorry, adores me and will make it up!
    It has been a month, I did wish him a Happy Fathers Day
    And said I had give us space due to his full plate!!!
    He acknowledged the text with a smiley face!
    Charming!!!
    In the meantime I’m taking time to enjoy my single life.
    Not waiting around for anyone, just taking care of myself.
    Any thoughts???!

    • Mysterious says:

      This story is all too familiar!! I’m going througth something very similar. He misses me, adores me, etc., etc., but stays distant with short text messages. I reply to keep interest but definitely living my own life. Seems like a repetitive pattern where I keep cool and the guy disappears. Would love your thoughts, Matthew!!

  28. Thirza says:

    Hi matthew i loved your video i really appreciate everything that you di.
    And that you always give a comment on every blog thnx So much.
    And Your a really good matchmaker and your kind to every. You always take time to answer Thnx so much i love everything that you do.
    And never chance who you always stay yourself. Well maybe i need to work on myself because i posted a youtube video and than i removed because i think i’ts not good enough. Thnx For everything i love everything that you do.

    Lovely Greetz a 15 year old girl ;) <3

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      Thirza! Thanks for commenting, always love reading them.
      Congrats on posting a video of your own, that takes a lot of courage, so I’m very proud of you : ) Remember, we’re our own worst critics. I get nervous too! But if you believe in it and it’s something you want to do then you can’t let that fear hold you back. Thanks for the continued support lovely, really appreciate it. Take care!

      x

  29. Sho says:

    Hi Matthew,

    I love your regular blog, but I use a Nokia Windows phone & I never see any of the clips. I also cant get The Man Myth video either. Are they in a format that cant be used by Lumias? (disappointed Miss here….)

  30. Paula says:

    That Kathie Lee just is so rude I feel. Blah!
    Good job Matt!

  31. Mandira Halder says:

    Hi Matthew,
    How do I create the “rare gemstone effect” ? Could you elaborate a little on this concept ?
    Also, I think you should write a book to enlighten guys more about the female mind. I have a lot of great guy friends who always end up with the wrong women because the right women seem elusive to them. I think some of the things about standards and all also apply to men. Good men sometimes lower their standards and act as if they were low value men. It’s a pity because they have the potential to become high value men. Thus, high value men should be able to attract high value women.

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      Hi Mandira! You’re in luck – I can’t say much just yet, but I’ve got something coming on the “rare gemstone effect” soon!! : )

      x

      • Melinda says:

        Hi Matt,
        Thank you so much for your honest and candid videos.
        Can’t wait for the “rear gemstone ” vid:)

        Cheers,
        Melinda

  32. Genevieve says:

    Kathie: He was worth it today.
    Matt: ..Today?

    Hahaha! Kathie cracks me up. She’s crazy.
    Thanks for your lovely advice today Matt.

  33. Val says:

    Hi. Was there supposed to be a video clip attached to this, as I am not seeing it?

  34. Steven C says:

    The show clip was pretty funny, and it’s pretty great you squeezed in useful advice in such a short segment. Just forwarded on to a few female friends who are questioning just that right now! rare gemstones!

  35. Lexi says:

    How do I get my hands on information about how to create te ‘rare gemstone effect’? Is this included in the ‘Man Myth’? If not, please consider doing a blog post on this topic.

    And when does IMPAC come out ?

    Love what u teach, Matt :)

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      Hey Lexi

      So glad you asked about this, I’m so excited! I can’t say much just yet, but I’ve got something coming on this very soon. stay tuned!

      x

  36. C. says:

    I went through the “Get the Guy” 6 month program etc., and feel like I still struggle with this concept. I understand the “increase quality, lower quantity”, “it gets better in the relationship” and “switch his associations with commitment” concepts. I find that I always begin with the “decrease quantity, increase quality” rule but it always ends up fizzling out. Hopefully with more time I’ll get better at implementing these concepts.

  37. t. says:

    So, he’s just not that into me?

    I read your book, subscribe to the newsletter and have tried your modules, so I’m not a hard-core skeptic. However, I draw the line here. Yes, maybe if I were prettier, more socially desirable, he might think about it. Me as I am, though? Never. It’s not about confidence or being a highly valued woman. Some women just don’t have what it takes and putting hope in our hearts, in situations like this, isn’t a good idea. Thanks for all that you do.

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      Hi t.

      I think that hope and a positive outlook are essential and I always want to instill that in my readers, however you’re correct in that a false hope is not good. That’s why I address the unfortunate truth at the beginning that sometimes a guy may just think someone isn’t right for them, and that’s the reason they aren’t pursuing anything further. Thanks for your comment and support! : )

      x

  38. Kooky says:

    The real hero is not what we see in the movies. the real hero who faces his self and know the disadvantages and advantages that he has. The real hero who did not hide but expresses moments of strengths and weaknesses.And always who try to become not only the best but extends his hands in order to help everyone in life.
    THANK YOU HERO

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